who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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