hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
