I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
