Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
