if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
