My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
