I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
