Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
