i love accidental penises.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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