There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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