I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hate your face
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
