It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
