This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
