Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
