for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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