I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
