I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
