I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
