My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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