i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
