hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
