I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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