Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
