You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
