...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
