How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
