Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
