My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
