direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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