Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
