A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
