i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
