I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
cat food counts as protein by the way
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
