That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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