im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
