I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
