Got a toothbrush?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
