I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
