you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
