eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
