When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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