I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dignity is for republicans.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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