How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
