Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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