I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
