She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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