i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
