he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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