My cat gives me a boner
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
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I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
