dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
