I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
